Aihe vapaa En tiiä saatana

[qualitymonkey]

But also

"If you dont have an interest you wont go far"

 

[qualitymonkey]

It would fucking SUCK if almost all of my life i had identified as ace-spec only to find out at like 40 or something that OH, OKAY, YEA, i actually WANT TO DO IT


id be like FUCK YOU???? I WAS ACE-SPEC BASICALLY MY WHOLE LIFE only to see myself actually going allo somehow, yhtäkkiä

Se ois niin ahdistavaa sillee my whole identity going to trash can

 

[qualitymonkey]

Sillee painu vittuu ensin minä esim ekat 40 vuotta elämästäni ace-spec sit yhtäkkiä en enää ookaan???????????????? Sillee oh yea i was never ace-spec i just fucking thought so for fucking 40 fucking years, fuck you 😂

 

[qualitymonkey]

Or 30

 

[qualitymonkey]

Or 29

 

[qualitymonkey]

Depends when i realize i wasnt ever ace

 

[qualitymonkey]

*is 26*
*Still thinks shes ace or something*
*Thought so at 20*
"Oh yea im probably not really"
*Still thinks shes gonna realize at like 30 shes not actually ace*
Okayy sure u gonna realize that

 

[qualitymonkey]

WHAT IF I FUCKING DO

 

[qualitymonkey]

my whole life i thought i was some sort of ace and fuck you what if i actually DO REALIZE IT LATER OH MY GOD ID DIE

 

[qualitymonkey]

My biggest fear is me actually dating eunkwang and realizing i was never ace i would kms

 

[qualitymonkey]

Id kill myself rather than have sex tbh

 

[qualitymonkey]

just a thought idk

 

[qualitymonkey]

My biggest fear is me actually dating eunkwang and realizing i was never ace i would kms

It would break me??

 

[qualitymonkey]

I feel like i wouldnt even be me anymore

 

[qualitymonkey]

If i suddenly started to have sex but idk

 

[qualitymonkey]

Thats literally not me

 

[qualitymonkey]

If i ever did that id be like possessed by a demon or something because seriously thats not something i would ever do

 

[qualitymonkey]

Kinda similar like the masturbating and sexting stuff, like literally that wasnt me

Ofc it was me but it wasnt real

I didn't enjoy it in reality

Deep down i didn't enjoy it and in a way that wasnt me

It was some sort of reaction which didn't feel true somehow

 

[qualitymonkey]

Even now when i think about it i just feel this sense of coldness and nothing else

 

[qualitymonkey]

So it cant be an actual good experience

 

[qualitymonkey]

It ALMOST feels like ocd

If i have an inappropriate thought its not me

Its ocd, not me.

I feel sort of similar about that whole experience.

 

[qualitymonkey]

Now idk if that was somehow caused by ocd? Could be, since i want to please people ALWAYS.

but i dont know.



Almost like it was some sort of reaction which wasnt truly me, if that makes any sense.

 

[qualitymonkey]

Similar siihen et niiku if i look at a child and have an ocd thought. Then do you think i have ACTUAL feelings for a child? Nope :D its an ocd thought. It doesnt mean i have actual feelings for a child.

Se kokemus tuntuu similar. Silleen yes that happened and all, but do you think i ACTUALLY wanted it? Nope.

It was like rape but not actual rape.

And yes i consented but do you think i really wanted to consent? You think i didn't feel a sense of obligation, even just a bit, especially with my ocd and especially cause i like to please people.

 

[qualitymonkey]

There were so many times i just wanted to fucking quit but i was too polite

 

[qualitymonkey]

If that sounds okay..... Then okay...

 

[qualitymonkey]

What i wanted to do? Quit talking. What i did? Answer because i wanted to be polite and please people.

 

[qualitymonkey]

Was i in? Nope, not truly

 

[qualitymonkey]

it sounds similar to someone getting turned on when they are raped

en oo ihan varma mut eiks nainen voi raiskata miehen silleen että se mies fyysisesti kiihottuu mut se ei oikeesti haluu sitä ja sit se nainen vaa niiku pakottaa sen sisäänsä eikö? Oon clueless mut eikse just oo mahollista?

Nii toi kuulostaa samantyyppiselt mitä mulle tapahtu silleen joo i got turned on sort of mut i really wanted to quit talking cause i was throwing up almost.

And it made it even worse because i got turned on

I feel like it was some sort of weird trauma response and now im STILL here like yea i feel raped 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃


Of course its not RAPE but i can still feel sort of similar just 1000 times milder but still sort of similar


Also when it SORT OF "turns you on" even after the incident mä heti koin et se oli joku outo trauma response.


There was one day when i sort of masturbated and immediately after that i started to cry a bit and got nervous (actually i was nervous during it, it was like i didn't actually like it i just felt a need almost like i did it while feeling basically empty inside)


Ja tää oli aika ensimmäisiä päiviä sen jälkeen kun olin yrittänyt jonottaa sinne sekasin chattii

Literally sillon ku tunsin itteni eniten zombiks, tässä vaiheessa en enää samalla tavalla vaa oon periaatteessa jo ihan normaali silleen sinänsä.


It was LITERALLY some weird trauma response voisin melkein vannoa

When you dont like it but you "like it"

 

[qualitymonkey]

I miss eunkwang so fucking much

 

[qualitymonkey]

En tajuu yhtään miks haluun sitä seksuaalisesti haluisin vaan kuolla ko en ansaitse elää kosk you dont even fucking make sense all you ever do is say this and then say the complete opposite

Sä et tiedä vittu ite edes yhtään mitään

Sano vain että sä et tiedä yhtään mitään ja lähde :D

Koska se on totta

Älä esitä että tiedät, sä et tiedä yhtään mitään

Sä vaan tunnet ja koet jotain ja haluut jotain ja et haluu jotain, thats about it. All i can explain.